Hurt

This is just to feel the pain,
This is just to bring the rain,
This is just to understand,
This is just, at my own hand,

I Have not seen my blood for long,
Doing what they said was wrong,
All because I saw your eyes,
All because I heard your lies,

All because I wanted you,
And wanted to be happy too.

James Dean

The rain falls slowly,
even it has lost it's energy,
its will to live comes splashing to the ground
like I do,

My coat soaks up the water and becomes heavy,
black and thick with cold liquid,
it weighs me down,
but my shoulders bear the load.

My hands freeze inside my soaking pockets,
I shiver, I smoke,
the cigarette is wet
and hanging from my mouth,

I am James Dean,
I am everything I ever wanted to be,
I am walking in the gutter,
I am staring at the stars,

I am going home.

Inside

Eye lids heavy and mind a whir,
All that we lost in this world of work,
I think back to your bedroom and a dream last night,
Of laying naked in the dim yellow light,
Half under the covers and soaked in sweat,
You turned in my arms and our bright eyes met,
We were beautiful and slim,
My hands flowed over the contours of your body,
Like water over the pebbles of the shore.

While the covers kept my shoulders warm,
And with the cold draft around my head,
The spongy pillow felt uncomfortable,
And while the double bed and thick mattress felt like stone,
For just a second or two,
And I could almost feel you there.
I remembered what it was like to be alive.
And how happiness and comfort felt.

The stars shone brightly in the clear black night.
Two clouds on the horizon, and the city light.
The walls of my room stretch out of sight,

All the comforts of home are gone now,
I have to make my own way in the world
And I feel like I use my soul to light the way,
So I cannot feel anything anymore
And all of my memories of you come creeping back one by one to haunt me
And sometimes,
Just when I think I am about to fall asleep,
I wake up and I find that the numbness has gone,
I cannot describe those feelings of what I had and how happy I once was,
At those times I prey for numbness to return and free me from the pain.

Not Kissing

Reminiscing not kissing,
As we sit in the pub.
The ceremony is over and so we talk.
You remind me of things you think I had forgotten;
The walk up Norfolk Park,
The sledge down Sycamore hill
But I remember every little thing;
Your dimples when you smiled,
Your eyes when you cried.

I pretend to be impressed at all the happy days we both recall
But I remember the rain too,
The last day we kissed which I’ve always missed.
I remember how much I needed you when you weren’t there.
Talk of past days and pints of real ale,
Lead me to think as we drink,
About the sad times as well.

My gaze is in the open fire,
Warming my feet from the winter air,
I look to you to see what has changed since;
Black velvet replaced by baggy jeans and t-shirt,
Black hair bleached blond.
You pretend to be someone new as I stare,
But I find your eyes and mouth are still there,
Your distant look and your black pupil,
Takes in everything but allows nothing in.

One more drink and then you’re gone,
Off back to your city behind those high walls,
Away to a place I try to imagine.
I stay by the fire and warm the beer in my hands,
Leaning back against the arm chair to stretch and to rest,
Orange flames leap through my glass in refraction,
I move inanimate through my mind in reflection,
The cold winter days were warmer in the past,
But you were colder than winter when our love didn’t last.

On The Kichen Floor

Blue and white tiles cross the floor.
Red brick wall and sign on the door,
And a blue circle of light shines through the window,
Rain beats against the glass
And the bare light bulb swings dark and low.
Mozart’s Piano Concerto plays in the distance.
I open the fridge to let it’s light spill out across the kitchen
And take out a beer to drink on my own.
Crouched down on the tiles in my empty home,
No socks on my feet or light on my face,
I realise it’s not the room but me who is cold.

I’m waiting for the postman at 4.30am
Or for something then,
To end this infinite night,
To bring back the sunlight.
Let it snow, let the wind blow,
Let the rain come creeping in across the room,
Seek out my hiding place in the gloom,
Drown me, surround me,
Make this corner of the kitchen, my tomb.

I’m trying and crying and hiding away,
But every night is followed by every other day,
Everyday I struggle to blink at the sunlight,
And every night I snuggle but cannot sleep tight.

Where are you my baby, who left me alone?
Do they treat you right or are you there by the phone?
Waiting like I do when in the bitter moon light,
Waiting like I am in the glitter of starlight?

The Lack Of Me For Us

Come not to me, neither ask,
For some comfort I can not provide.
Don’t blame your self
Or fall to slump in your chair,
While playing with your new cut hair.
Don’t play that sad song,
Let nothing remind you of me,
For sadness will come too easily.

But when that shade of night shall fall,
Suddenly, around us all
And brings the wind in through your broken window
And hides our sunny memories of Whitby,
Then find the emptiness of the bare white wall
And the silence of your violin,
Or think of the cold and the feelings within.
And If I show such a numbness to you,
Shout back at me and let me know,
I am the one who is as cold as snow.

You dwell with beauty – beauty which must live,
Forever, no pain, where it should be in my wound,
No loss but the happiness the heart is for,
The only world I can offer is in my hands,
Clenched tightly by my side and empty,
From the world within me.
My lack of life and love,
Means a world without for us.
And I cannot give you love or peace.

Terrible Nature

The cliffs were of black rock.
Below, the waves of the dark lake washed up on the stony shore.
In the sky, great clouds rumbled and rolled over and under each other,
Wrestling like gods.
I watched that balloon, with you inside it. The beautiful, colourful balloon, as it sailed upwards, into the sky and those gods.
My brothers held the ropes as you sailed forth on the warm wind.
Suddenly the balloon was on fire, you were on fire.
I watched helplessly from my cliff as you tried to put out the flames. You screamed in pain and I heard my brothers shouting as they struggled with the ropes and tried to pull u down.
They fought desperately as you burned. You fought desperately but your arms were ablaze. The pain reaching up your arms for your heart.
The clouds fought each other around you and I watched you jump in the end. When all hope was done. You jumped for the lake. A flaming mess, you hit the pebble beach and died.
My brothers told me how they tried to save you. My grandmother told me that she had seen you try to save yourself but your hands had burnt away and the pain was too much.
For me, it was the fear. The sadness I had no mechanism for.

Yesterday I watched the wind blow trees to the ground,
pylons onto cars and slates from the roof.
I looked up in the morning and saw clouds leave a trail where they were blown miles up into the blue heaven. Underneath it all I stumbled backwards in awe and fear.
The same fear as I had seen, the day that you died.
I realised then what it was that I was afraid of;
The terrible force of nature.

I Dream About You

How the light beams from the old TV and reflects on every wall.
How the little figures light the bed and lay colour over the remote control.
How every little thing seems big when the world appears, 14 inches tall.

The spiders watch me from every corner of the room, crawl into sleep
And the voices and sounds that used to boom,
Drift away as I drift away and the light on the wardrobe dims and fades,
As I close my eyes and my mind escapes.
My brain, bunched up like a fist,
Releases its thoughts to ebb and flow
And there in the middle of them all,
As I drift though clouds and a world below,
I find you standing a distance away,
Your eyes like black marbles and the marbles like worlds,
And the deeper I look the deeper I go,
To free fall through that bottomless hole,
And you are still there,
Your cloak rapped around you and the wind in your hair,
And I find your eyes can never close,
I see your pretty, smiling face,
your wrinkled brow and rounded nose.
Your perfect teeth and your eyebrow's so thin
Your dark look and pale skin
And the way your expression changed every time I tried to tell you how I felt,
Even though I knew deep down that you didn’t feel the same way
And I could always tell when you were lying
And it hurt but I knew at the time that you were,
When you said “I love you”.
“I dream about you.”
And I miss you.
Even more now you’re here.

Lying

Lying awake in bed at night, my only thoughts were for you.
The light was off and I stared out of the glass.
I had left the window open, for some reason
I wanted to feel the cold wind freeze my body.
I looked out and saw the dazzling flood light across the path
flash as the heavy pine trees in front of it were ripped backwards and forth in the gale.
Even the sound of the wind was impressive.
I shuddered and wrapped my arms around myself,
gazing from my window, into the stormy darkness outside.
The clock said 2:15am.
Then I was not alone. I felt your warm body tight against my own,
my arms around you again. I looked down and saw you turn your pretty face.
Illuminated for a second by the flash of light, your eyes looked strait into mine.
All at once we were together again and I felt magically warm,
as though the perfect balance were restored.
The loneliness I had been feeling went away but all only for a second.
The next flash of light came a second after the first and it took you away.
You where gone.
Desperately I clawed at the mattress searching for any trace of you.
But I found none.
I gazed helplessly out of the window again, my tiers forming;
alone once more, I lay there till morning,
my heart sinking, and my hope fading.
Was it really you?
Why did you come back that last time?
Just that one time to hurt me with another goodbye.
One was enough.

My Face

I’m looking at that picture again.
The one of you in the green top.
I found it on its front and for 5 minutes,
Had not the courage to turn it over.

To look at you again,
My heart pounded in my chest.
My mind asked my eyes if they could bear it again,
To have every feeling of what it is to love someone and be not loved in return,
Come flooding back like a torrent of hot blood into this heart
And be held there for seconds like a tatty photo or gifted necklace,
Squeezed so hard and held on to for life.

I feel when I look at your pictures
And the feelings are warm and they bleed out of me,
I cry loss and sadness and love and all those terrible things,
Whenever I see your face.

Tell No One

I’m sorry,
But I cannot live outside your grace.
You are the one I was waiting for
And I have never been so happy.
You are the only reason I live,
You are the one, my soul mate.

I will never be with anyone I love less,
Than I love you
And I may well die alone.
Already at 25, I’m getting fat.
My hair is thinning and my skin discolours.

I know I may never be beautiful with you,
But I love you anyway and always will,

“Who are you to live in all these many forms?”
Who are you, I writing to?
Who are you, I fell in love with?
Whose eyes I remember from the day time began.

Who are you to hold all the answers to life’s mysteries?
And tell no one?

I have never had to shade under a tree,
Nor shelter from a storm.
I have never had the pleasure in your smile.
Tell no one.

Tiny Little Moments

Tiny little moments,
Held in my hand forever.
In the turmoil and noise of the office,
Blank people shout and scurry back and forth with tiny scraps of paper.
Typing blank numbers and meaningless names,
Into labyrinthine databases,
To be stored and lost forever with their meaning.

At home in front of the miniature TV,
I drink beer and make out faces talking and
More noise and less meaning in every short portrayal.

Alone with the lights off, I think of you
But I've fantasised so much that my hopes have become dreams,
Which I wake from and tell myself,
"That is only a dream David."
"You cannot have, what isn't real."

In bed with the lights off I dream
And my dreams are all memories.
I dream of a night with you, so long ago it may never have happened.
At the Showroom bar near the train station,
The neon blue lights, reflected off the wet pavement
And we dried a table and chair to sit on and talked about the movie
And you read a film guide and I sipped vodka and coke
And it tasted so good and I hugged you so close in the empty bar
And I smoked a cigarette and you purred on my shoulder
And I was happy then.
And all was good.
And my liver didn't hurt
And I didn't hate my job
And I didn't hate everyday
And I wasn't alone
And I didn't leave you.
Did I?

Tiny little moments I can wake from smiling and crying in the same emotion.
Tiny little moments in my head
And in my life
And in my heart.

And day after day after day, I go to work and type in numbers
And I get slowly more bored
And I drink beer in front of the TV
And I get redder and fatter
And I lay awake at night
And I dream of you while my life slips away and my history is lost in the memories Of what is real and what is drunk and what may never have happened at all
And all of my future seems impossible.

You are my Elysian Fields

your letter reads.
I am clinging onto fragments of what I had with you,
An old photograph, tattooed.
An old computer game, overplayed.
Old songs and long whining notes,
that play on my heart.

All that anger I used to have,
Substituting life.
What do I have now?
In my hand i hold a sharde of time,
From when it was our time.
My dreams are not the same,
You both still live in my dreams,
And you love me.
I want to fall asleep forever,
And to wake in Elysian,
Where my father lives,
where rules are eternally broken,
And you love me forever.

"You are my elysian fields,
And I love you, forever."

Why did you say that?
A dying declaration,
A thousand words were one lie.